Laid to rest: My ability to love

In my life I can truly say that I have been in love very few times. One of those relationships resulted in losing the man I loved indefinitely. Honestly I did not deal with his death very well. I cried every day for well over a month. I didn’t process the pain of losing him for years. I couldn’t accept the reality of him being gone. I felt as if he took my heart to heaven with him and left behind an emptiness. Due to this way of thinking, I lost my ability to love. I enclosed myself in a box of numbness and functioned on a poorly crafted auto pilot. I knew I had to take care of business, my child, and partially myself. Internally I was ignoring the parts of myself that truly needed care and restoring. 

Losing someone that you have promised to spend your life with is a major blow. If you’re happily married to this person, it’s even more devastating. Even though I wasn’t married to this man, I did spend years of my life engaging with him in both friendship and relationship. I held on to this fact and honestly I made the mistake of isolating myself and putting up walls. I didn’t want to experience this type of pain again, so I put love and relationships in a box and labeled it “do not open”. When we block love from coming into our personal space, sometimes we unknowingly block God as well. God uses other people to minister to us and we miss the messages when we miss out on others. 

By God being so powerful and all knowing, he has ways to penetrate through the walls we have built around ourselves and ultimately our hearts. I found myself eventually being open to still helping people and being a listening ear. That lead to building a friendship with my now fiancé whom I told in the beginning that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. Yet, through our friendship, constant openness and support of one another, we found so much more. God used us to heal one another from our past pain and brokenness. I once vowed to never love again but because of and through God I have a new found love for self, my fiancé, and most importantly God. Through my fiancé I found that my heart still feels joy and peace; that existing with an amazing person is still a possibility even if it ends in loss. It’s about the lessons we learn from each encounter and making the decision to live on. Love is the foundation of our lives. Without it we lack so much. The word says in I Corinthians‬ ‭13:2‬ ‭( NKJV), “And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” Yes we can still function and live out our lives in what we may think is a normal fashion, but without love of God, self and others...are we truly living a fulfilled life?